9/11 and September Depression 

What’s the hardest part of September? 

For me September comes with depression. The weather changes, traffic increases, school starts and 9/11. 

I remember September 11 2001, 15 years ago, reaching to school late. My class was located upstairs the principal’s office so I had to pass the teachers break room before I got to class. I glanced in as I did most times but something was different. There were some form six students glued to the TV and teachers all around.  I was late, why weren’t they in class? I glimpsed the screen. I swore it was a movie. Tears welled up. 

All I thought was about all the people who had been injured. I continued watching. Tower one collapsed. I was lost. 

I remember heading to class in tears. Hearing the flight number I vaguely remember worry about one of my cousins and their trip to NEw York and wondering if this was the number I heard. I scraped the floors of my mind to be certain. Fear ripped through me. I cried.  

Getting home that day I took a taxi in. As the car approached I saw my mom walking. Hunched, more like crawling. Her body begging to make it inside. As the car passed her and stopped I exited and faced her. She was about one house away. Her face was contorted with worry and fear. All my fears came back. I was so wrong 

It was my Aunty. My Aunty I had spoken to the Sunday before this Tuesday. The Aunty who promised to make me my graduation dress. The Aunty who joked about my wedding, pressed my hair out like no other, had a genuine soul, an unforgettable smile, red skin, brown hair and an infectious sprit. 

You see she worked in the tower. I know I said the tower but that’s because there is only one in my mind. That. One. Tower.  

I remember mom leaving with my grandma and uncles. I remember my family who laughs all the time silent. I remember seeing grandma age. No AGE OVERNIGHT. I remember my uncle, in New York, missing. No one could find him. He was searching for his wife. He was deep in ash and rubble. He was on every corner and block. He was a mad man. 

I remember they called. They were laughing again. It was after the service. There wasn’t anything found to put in a casket. They planted a tree. They renamed a street. They fondly remembered her. 

There was a knock. The door was answered. Dental records were used. She was truly gone. 

Silence. 

A sigh of relief when the plane lands safely in Trinidad. 

A year later or so. The phone rings. 

Mom is at her desk at work. The phone rings. She answers. It’s the Us Embassy. “Are you sitting down ma’am ” 

“We regret to inform you your sister Clara Hinds was one of the souls lost……….”

Silence. 

Every year I’m bombarded with post on 9/11. I don’t know if any of my family actually went to any services locally. I’ve been to ground zero. I’ve seen her name etched beautifully in the pool. I’ve struggled to make it through the exhibit. 

I’m left with conspiracy theories post from people who weren’t affected, documentaries, articles. 

I don’t watch TV in September. 

I walk on eggshells around my mom in September. 

I wish someone would wake me up when September ends. 

The formula fed journey. 

So many sites, Facebook forums, articles and blogpost focus on the breastfeeding journey in its entirety, while there are hardly any chronicling the journey of a formula feeding mom. 

Some of you may be confused as to what I’m speaking about but ff moms also have a unique journey that deserves a space and a discussion. 

The journey starts with a decision, a failure, depression, bartering and judgement.  A formula fed mom can go through all these steps before even feeding their LO for the first time. 

For some it is a well thought out decision. They are simply not going to breast feed. They know the pros and cons and are simply not comfortable or confident enough and have decided that for their situation bottle is best. 

Some, like me with my first, tried to breastfeed and failed. This, coupled with a lack of breastfeeding support from family, lead to formula being supplimemted and then being exclusive, extremely early in my daughters life. 

In hindsight I see the many reasons breastfeeding didn’t work. I didn’t read much on it, as I thought it would be a “natural thing”. I bought a cheap off brand pump, I didn’t research ways to reduce pain or bruising and I didn’t understand the latch differences.

 I gave up and had to face the condescending looks when I went to clinic for the first time. Every breast feeding mama and well-to-do nurse had some advice and a few questions as to why the baby wasn’t being “given the best start in life “. I must admit I was ashamed. I began to feel depressed and beat my self up about depriving my baby of what she deserves. 

I struggled with these feelings for a long time. It was made worse when my baby didn’t easily take formula either. 

She was constipated, had acid reflux, consistently brought up or spit up (it was so bad that in outings we walked with towels not rags). I tried every single enfamil on the shelf. There are ones for fussy babies, gassy babies, babies who spit up, the ones closest to mothers milk, the soy ones, the this ones and the that ones and nothing seemed to settle my LO. I switched and switched until she settled on simalac. Then I bought every tim I saw because I didn’t ever want to run out and have to buy something else that I knew would irritate her. 

See the parts of the formula fed journey that isn’t told deals with all this. The constipated  and dehydrated baby who cries and whose stool is so hard it hurts to pass.

 It is about the half tins and wasted whole tins of milk that you bought which the baby won’t keep down. 

It is about constantly worrying about the nutrition and weight gain (and loss) of your LO.

 It is about praying you don’t run out of money just trying to find the right formula and hoping that when you find it it isn’t that expensive and that it is easily found.

 It is the making sure you have hot water thermos and cool water thermos because unlike boobs bottles aren’t ready on demand, they have to be prepared first. If too hot the worry is that the baby gets burnt if too cold the baby won’t drink it.

 It is about making that bottle and then the baby didn’t want it and it wastes and you worry about the fact that that is money going down the drain. 

It is about the leaving a bottle out and inadvertently picking it up at 2am and feeding a baby only to realize half way through and sit up the rest of the night monitoring the baby for symptoms.  

It is about formula spills in the bag, making a bottle when the Dan is on or in breeze, changing nipples and bitten nipples swallowed, cleaning bottles, buying more bottles, loosing bottles and not having enough bottles on the go. It is about the constant spending and spending and then some more spending just to make sure your LO is fed and healthy. Then it is about the questions and guilt. It is about the need to defend the way you feed your human. It is the need to prove that you are doing what is best in your circumstance in your life for your LO and your family.  It is the constant state of being judged and questioned. 

The formula feeding journey has as many ups and downs and intricacies as the breast feeding journey and should be recognized. 

Have you formula fed? What are your stories. 

Hiya nice to meet you 

Hi there! Thanks for taking the time out to join me on this journey into mommyhood. I’m starting this blog and it’s called Under the Fuzzy Blanket. It’s named after my daughter’s favorite thing and her favorite place to be. Who doesn’t like to cuddle and be nurtured under a soft fluffy blanket?It will appare here on trinimomcorner.

My name is Anisa Edmund and I have two girls one is eight and one is three months at this time.

I have experienced so much in my life as a mom from divorce to single mothering, dating while being a single mom, pursuing a degree, working, maintaining a social life etc etc etc.

Currently I’m in a happy relationship with my SO and we are plodding along with our family businesses trying to make our way in this world.


We are an interracial couple who love food and family so there will be a few food posts also lol.

The purpose of this blog is to engage and inform mothers and new mothers about all the advances in baby care and gear available that I find through my research and experiments (poor kids).

I intend to do product reviews ; for things I’ve tried for both girls (so there will be a huge age difference ). The reviews will cover baby gear and toys, clothing, educational websites, lessons schools, places to go things to do here in Trinidad and Tobago.

I intend to do parenting style perspectives as I waddle my way through it all ; attachment parenting, co parenting and the whole step fathering and grandfathering.

I hope to be able to help where I can, learn what I can from you guys and answer a many questions as possible.

This is an interactive group so your posts and pictures and are always welcomed.

As I develop this idea more I will expand what I post about but it will be centered around my life as a mom and the things you and I face living loving and growing.