Between reading blogs, trying to write one, managing several Marketing accounts and Facebook pages, getting some accounts and paper work done for the family business and dealing with moms who I speak to I have to be a mom. It’s the most important job in my life. It’s a job I chose and the reason I abandoned the corporate world and became a “working stay at home mom “.
These days it’s hard. It really is overwhelming. I am torn between the joys of seeing my baby grow and being there making sure she is safe, and that urge, that cosmic pull of the universe that propelled me into two degrees, that need to work. That need to top the corporate life. That want to dress in power suits and make elaborate marketing strategies and crush the competition.
Yet. Every resume I send I find myself crying as I click the send button.
I find my self in a fit of anxiety. A entire hard pommecythere seed emerges in my throat at the hit of the send button. I immediately feel like I’m failing her. My baby. My sweet small needy baby. How can I leave her?
Leave the child I’ve spent every hour with (except maybe less than ten) and who cries incessantly when I leave her side.
Will the daycare understand?
Will they be able to cope ?
Will it be ok ?
Will they take care of her the way I do?
Admittedly I’m fraught with anxiety about most everything.
This Sunday I sit. Scrolling job sites, overseeing homework , cuddling and playing and dancing and soothing my teething needy baby and wondering if I could do it all and hold down a job.
When is self fulfillment going to merge with mommy fulfillment. When can I be wholy fulfilled.